My friends asked me to be on television to promote something that I love with all my heart.
I said no.
THIS is why.
I am painfully embarrassed by my appearance. Particularly my weight.
And I know it's wrong. I know it's shallow and self important to think that how I look matters to anyone but me. But I do think that.
So there's no way in the world that I want to be on television. I don't particularly even want to be in pictures. I avoid it if it's at all possible.
I didn't always avoid pictures. I have lots of photos from when I was younger that I LOVE now. But I remember not loving them at the time they were taken. Even then I was so critical of my own appearance. Looking back it's just silly that I thought there was anything to criticize.
I was thinking about whether or not there are any pictures of me in recent years that I did like. There are a few.
There's the one in my profile. It was taken the day that Jaxon was born.
There are a couple from Amber and Crystal's weddings.
It occurs to me that the best pics I have of myself in recent years were taken on days when I was especially happy. Maybe that has something to do with it, huh?
I've never felt like a beautiful woman. I've had moments where I felt pretty good about my appearance but I always come just shy of feeling truly beautiful.
Roger tells me that I am beautiful but I brush him off. Disagree. Turn away.
I don't know why this is such an issue for me. I am not so critical of others as I am of myself. I have friends of every shape and size. Tall, short, thick and thin. They are all beautiful to me.
I have hopes that my new healthy lifestyle will at least solve the problem of being embarrassed about my weight.
And maybe restore enough confidence that I can find a way to battle this demon in my head.
Maybe I could even say yes to being on television one day. We'll see.
I'll work on not hiding from the still camera first.
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6 comments:
AMEN! My thoughts exactly. And I have noticed that when I am happy I look better in pictures. When I am hitting the gym I look better too. A little more toned (although not skinnky by any means) but I feel good which equals looking good.
Maybe this is why I hate being pregnant. I feel so yucky about myself.
Oh, Trish, I'm so BUMMED you said "No" to being on t.v. This would be such a fun/great and empowering experience for you. *I* want you to do it! You ARE beautiful and you look great. I know you don't feel that way, but you are/do!!! Can you reconsider, or is it too late? I want to lecture you on the psychological reasons of WHY you are self-sabotaging yourself and why your self esteem is often low in this area, etc. blah, blah (lol), but I won't. I just want you to do it! Grr! I love you!! *Mel
Thanks Mel. I love you too.
I know.
I'm working on it. ;)
I know exactly where you're coming from. Although I'm not intersted in losing weight right now, I know that I will start eating healthier and exercising soon. Keep your head up. Listen when Dad tells you that you're beautiful because YOU ARE.
I love you!
Now I want to know what the thing was that you love with all your heart is! If you love it, it must be grand!
I LOVE seeing pictures of you! You always look so happy and have such a great aura about you; it makes me grin.
I SO could have written this post!! (At least the feelings part of it.)
Nothing like this kind of opportunity to bring the opinion you have of yourself to the forefront.
"Would you be on TV?" would definately get my inner chatter of negativity going!
Isn't it ironic how you KNOW the truth; you know what you would tell you if you weren't you. You also know you wouldn't be just making it up to make you feel better... lol.
I think that you will fight the good fight and eventually conquer that demon that keeps you from doing what you really want to do. You've probably already won many battles against this dude, right? He's going DOWN!!
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